Black Pants

The night before surgery, February 18th, 2009. Lucy had to be in the picture, too.

Taken June 29th, 2009. If you can't tell a difference, keep it to yourself. ;o)

More on My BIG Decision...

Seven months ago, I made a decision that would ultimately change my life forever. For the better! I wasn't sure I wanted to throw it out there for all (five) of you to read, but I decided to...can't ask for prayer without filling you in on the details. Well, I guess I could but Jenny's post inspired me to share this with everyone for support and encouragement.

I have struggled with weight all my life. ALL my life. Even as a child, I was always heavier than most of the boys in my class. I always felt very self-conscious about it, too. I wouldn't even get on the see saw because I was afraid I would be laughed at when my side fell swiftly to the ground and I thought I might even send my best friend all the way to outer space. So...even at a young age, weighing 10-15 pounds more than my friends, I began to live my life full of shame and regret, not doing things my friends were doing and losing more and more confidence in myself.

I became a Christian when I was 11 years old. Even as a grew in the Lord, I didn't honor Him with how I treated myself. And my parents-they meant well-but I will never forget meeting my dad in the lobby of the city hall and riding up the elevator with him at a time when they still used elevator operators. I was probably 13 or so. The sweet lady running the elevator had known my dad for many years and hadn't seen me since I was a small child (or younger child I guess I should say) and she said something along the lines to my dad about his "pretty daughter" and he said "she is pretty if she would just get this weight off." I was so ashamed. I had let both my parents down. Didn't stop me from eating though!

Kept gaining weight-all through high school and college. My freshman year, I lost about 50 pounds to gain the interest of a guy, which didn't work by the way. About every three years, I have lost 50 pounds, only to gain 60 or 70 back. I don't really know why except when I eat, I have no emotion; I am not thinking about anything about what is going in my mouth. And for a worrier like me, that is very freeing.

Fast forward to now and my BIG decision. After much prayer and conversations with the Lord, I feel led to do gastric surgery. Yes, gastric and drastic rhyme but my health is in a drastic shape. I had to go through seven months of pre-approval doctor visits and had my 7th visit on December 8th. I am waiting on my insurance approval as I type. I hope to hear something this week. Surgery would be in January most likely. This will be my last Christmas as the morbidly obese, self-conscious girl who avoids the camera at all holiday gatherings!

I got to this point when I realized I had stopped living. I didn't go anywhere or do anything unless it was work or home--I've missed weddings, funerals, family gatherings, even concerts. There are bathroom stalls I don't fit in, I worry about going to new restaurants for fear all they have are booths, I hate meeting new people for fear of what they think about me, I can't find any clothes that fit anymore....and in August, I sat down in a chair, and it broke. And my heart and spirit broke with it. I KNOW I am doing the right thing! I can't serve the Lord in my capacity right now. It's time...

Will you pray for me? Pray that Blue Cross approves the surgery. Pray that I will not worry about all the details. Pray that the Lord will be with Dr. Mathews and his staff. Pray that I can handle the 180 degree lifestyle change that will happen after surgery. And pray that the Lord will be glorified through all of this!


Thanks...and I love you all!