Tuesday, December 16, 2008

More on My BIG Decision...

Seven months ago, I made a decision that would ultimately change my life forever. For the better! I wasn't sure I wanted to throw it out there for all (five) of you to read, but I decided to...can't ask for prayer without filling you in on the details. Well, I guess I could but Jenny's post inspired me to share this with everyone for support and encouragement.

I have struggled with weight all my life. ALL my life. Even as a child, I was always heavier than most of the boys in my class. I always felt very self-conscious about it, too. I wouldn't even get on the see saw because I was afraid I would be laughed at when my side fell swiftly to the ground and I thought I might even send my best friend all the way to outer space. So...even at a young age, weighing 10-15 pounds more than my friends, I began to live my life full of shame and regret, not doing things my friends were doing and losing more and more confidence in myself.

I became a Christian when I was 11 years old. Even as a grew in the Lord, I didn't honor Him with how I treated myself. And my parents-they meant well-but I will never forget meeting my dad in the lobby of the city hall and riding up the elevator with him at a time when they still used elevator operators. I was probably 13 or so. The sweet lady running the elevator had known my dad for many years and hadn't seen me since I was a small child (or younger child I guess I should say) and she said something along the lines to my dad about his "pretty daughter" and he said "she is pretty if she would just get this weight off." I was so ashamed. I had let both my parents down. Didn't stop me from eating though!

Kept gaining weight-all through high school and college. My freshman year, I lost about 50 pounds to gain the interest of a guy, which didn't work by the way. About every three years, I have lost 50 pounds, only to gain 60 or 70 back. I don't really know why except when I eat, I have no emotion; I am not thinking about anything about what is going in my mouth. And for a worrier like me, that is very freeing.

Fast forward to now and my BIG decision. After much prayer and conversations with the Lord, I feel led to do gastric surgery. Yes, gastric and drastic rhyme but my health is in a drastic shape. I had to go through seven months of pre-approval doctor visits and had my 7th visit on December 8th. I am waiting on my insurance approval as I type. I hope to hear something this week. Surgery would be in January most likely. This will be my last Christmas as the morbidly obese, self-conscious girl who avoids the camera at all holiday gatherings!

I got to this point when I realized I had stopped living. I didn't go anywhere or do anything unless it was work or home--I've missed weddings, funerals, family gatherings, even concerts. There are bathroom stalls I don't fit in, I worry about going to new restaurants for fear all they have are booths, I hate meeting new people for fear of what they think about me, I can't find any clothes that fit anymore....and in August, I sat down in a chair, and it broke. And my heart and spirit broke with it. I KNOW I am doing the right thing! I can't serve the Lord in my capacity right now. It's time...

Will you pray for me? Pray that Blue Cross approves the surgery. Pray that I will not worry about all the details. Pray that the Lord will be with Dr. Mathews and his staff. Pray that I can handle the 180 degree lifestyle change that will happen after surgery. And pray that the Lord will be glorified through all of this!


Thanks...and I love you all!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

My friend, you have my prayers AND my admiration. To write your story here, for all the world to read is not unlike standing naked before strangers! Honey-pie, you a BRAVE somebody!
The way we women see ourselves seems so much more fragile than how men see themselves. Being a roller coaster heavyweight myself, I understand at least some of the struggles you face. In my experience, when I've dropped weight, I (falsely) 'feel' encouraged, and more 'worthwhile', which in turn, makes me BEHAVE that way. . . only, temporarily. Then the enemy creeps in and convinces (again) me to act like what he thinks I should be. . .
I used to hear it said that if you want to be a ballerina, then you must think and act like one all the day. Eventually, you will have BECOME a ballerina for all to see.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could see ourselves the way Jesus sees us? Full of magnificent, breath-taking beauty, graceful loveliness, exuding joy, and healing, and mercy with every step we take? . . . And none of what He sees has anything to do with our hips . . . it has to do with our heart!
I'm right here with you. You go girl!
Much love & prayers~~~~

Kim said...

Janet,
I have read what you wrote over and over because it gives me so much encouragement and determination! Yes, I do feel like I am standing unclothed on a mountaintop but I don't anyone whispering "did she have surgery?!?!" behind my back! Ask me questions, I will tell you everything! I don't want to hide anything. I have been hiding behind my weight waaaaay too long.
I wish I could see myself as Jesus does. What a beautiful picture you have painted!
I love you! You always make my heart want to burst!
K.

jennyhope said...

Oh i am about in tears. You are so precious to me Kim. I hate that you have had to go through that for all of your life. You are not a failure and you have one of the sweetest spirits of ANYONE I know. This world is not worthy of you.

I am so excited for you about your decision.

Anonymous said...

Kim -- as a sister in the weight struggle, I feel your pain. I, too, have avoided pictures and all that jazz. But I'm so proud of you and your decision. I popped over to your blog from Jenny Hope's and I'm an Alabama girl, too.
One of my dearest friends had weight loss surgery several years ago and she is doing incredible, looks as beautiful as she always did, but there's just less of her to love on, but I know that she feels better and she's living life out loud these days.

I walked with her as she with through her surgery and although she was miles and miles away, I held her hand in my heart and she made it through her first year.

I'm praying for you girl and I'm just thanking you for being so incredibly brave to make this post. You will encourage many with your spirit.

Kim said...

Jenny and Mary-I just don't have words to say. What an encouragement both of you are! And Mary, I hope we get to meet one day. :o) Jenny-thanks for always lifting me up! I don't know what I do without my friends.
To God be the GLORY!
Mary, please pop over any time!